Here’s a little tid bit of info you might find interesting…
I NEVER GET SICK
Okay, not literally never, but I honestly can’t remember the last time I was ill, hangovers aside, which I will often claim as sickness to avoid judgement. Ha! But I only see my doctor once every few years, and I have no use for flu shots or cold remedies. And do you know why this is? It’s something that probably makes me differ from YOU. I never get sick because…
I WASH MY HANDS!
I’m no germaphobe, but I hold personal hygiene in the highest regard. Remember when your parents told you that you need to wash your hands before you eat, because they are covered in germs? Apparently, just like Santa and God, most of us have decided that our parents were lying to us about that. Well Mom & Dad might not be scientists but they’ve got the scientific facts right. The BEST way to avoid sickness (and ingesting fecal matter) is to wash your hands before you touch your eyes or put anything in your mouth. Every time, Gobs? Yes, every time. I know that sounds like a HUGE drag for you. Here’s some facts I think you need to know.
Perhaps I hang out with a dirty bunch, but statistics aside, in my own experience, I’m almost always the only one who washes up before I eat when I’m out at a restaurant with friends or family. I’m probably wasting my time because studies have shown that waiters are terrible about washing before they serve you your food, and traces of feces can be found on the ice cubes in your drink. Yuck!
I remember being in a public restroom… I hate calling it that. You don’t do any resting in there. And for the record, you certainly don’t bath in there either. But Canadians are the only ones intelligent enough to know what a WASHROOM is. Anyways, I was in a public restroom, with one of my best friends. It was only the 2 of us in there. I started washing up, and he said “ya know, you don’t need to wash your hands on my account”. I was puzzled but after a few questions, I learned, much to my shock, that for him, washing your hands was something you only do for appearances sake, when in polite company. His actual argument was “my dick isn’t dirty”, meaning that he has completely missed the point of hand washing. It’s an opportunity to cleanse your germ filled appendages, which you should take at any and every possible opportunity, to avoid spreading and ingesting sickness. My good friend, VIRUS (fitting name in this case), had a great rebuttal for the “dirty dick” comment. It’s possibly the smartest thing he’s ever said. “when I’m at a restaurant, I wash my hands BEFORE I use the urinal. It’s not my dick that’s dirty, it’s my hands”.
I can recall, exactly, the first time I was ever in a home that had no hand soap in the bathroom. It was at a house party, in Pittsburgh, February of 2012. I had literally never seen such a thing before. There was a good 75-100 people at this party and it had been raging over the course of 2 days. It was like a scene in a horror movie for me. Alarms were going off in my head. “You mean all of these people have been using the bathroom, and none of them have been washing there hands?!” Since then, I’ve noticed it more and more. Washrooms with no soap in them. It would appear that we are not progressing as a society, when it comes to hand washing. Actually, we are steadily getting worse. I guess people have so much faith in health care, these days, that they just don’t worry about germs anymore. They know that they’re not gonna catch anything that can’t easily be cured, and I guess that’s fair enough. For me, though, aside from my preference being to avoid the uncomfortable pain and misery of illness, I just don’t like eating sh*t, guys.
“no-one would wilfully want to touch or eat feces but that is what millions of us are doing every day by not washing our hands” – Dr. Bob Adak, Head of the Gastrointestinal Diseases Dept, Public Health, UK
Look, you’re a grown adult reading this, right? Or at least a teenager? I don’t think there’s any children reading this blog, so can you please stop acting like one? Can we please stop pretending that toilet paper is water proof? You know that when you’re cleaning yourself some of that poop is seeping through to your hands. It’s gross, but you know it’s true. Ladies, that goes for you when you’re wiping after a pee, as well. Now, the recent study did suggest that women are better about washing up then the men, but guess what, fellas…..
WOMEN TYPICALLY DON’T WASH THEIR HANDS AFTER THEY MASTURBATE
That’s right. In addition to the piss and sh*t that’s all over your office, you can add your annoying co-worker’s vaginal fluids, because she got herself off this morning before rushing in, and she’s been touching EVERYTHING!
So the short of it is that there’s human body fluids all over everywhere, and there’s not much that we can do about it. But there IS something that the enlightened readers of deadkidsgetlively.com can do to avoid the further spreading of said fluids, and the sickness that goes along with it.
WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS!
DJ ASSAULT – ASS-N-TITTIES (GOBS’ STANKIN’ ASS BITCHEZ EDIT)
To further drive my point home, while simultaneously berating you with insults, I threw together a quick edit of DJ ASSAULT’s GHETTOTECH classic, which was also one of the internet’s first ever VIRAL VIDEOS.
WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT!
Awww, ya know what? Since you were good enough to get this far down, here’s the original version of ASS-N-TITTIES from my very own VINYL copy.[audio http://deadkidsgetlively.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Ass-N-Titties.mp3]
Want the RECORD? YOU CAN HAVE THAT TOO!
Now use some of that Soap & Water, Ho! And then….
GET MORE DJ ASSAULT
Thank you for reading. Uncle Gobs loves you.